Seek First To Understand
Then to be Understood
Dear Friend,
Today’s headline is a direct lift from a book. A best seller of the ‘millions of copies sold’ variety, it turns up often on the shelves of charity shops or stands unread in homes.
It came out of the research Dr Stephen R Covey conducted to earn his doctorate. He made a meta analysis of self help literature going back to the origins of the printed word and synthesised the enduring elements common across the centuries of writing on self development.
Being British by enculturation, just the title was enough to put me off reading it, but when you’re deep into personal and spiritual development you learn to be alert to cultural bias in yourself. The false self often has a strong reaction against that which contributes to its undoing. Who can blame it?
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
Who wants to be highly effective, I mean really? The title smacked of corporate drudgery, at least to my sensibilities. When I first encountered Dr Covey’s work I envisioned workers in grey cubicles in drab blue offices, highly effective, the life draining out of them with each key stroke.
There was a fair deal of internal resistance to get past. There often is. Our fixed sense of self endures through distraction. Move along now, nothing to see here, look over here: food, sex, shopping, have you seen the news?
If distraction fails then self attack, who do you think you are? Who are you kidding? Faker!
Curiosity is a key to unlocking these internal barriers. Coming back to first principles, namely that I know nothing. That strongly judgemental thoughts and feelings may be a smoke screen, an attempt to obscure something of value within myself. A treasure, already in our possession we’re yet to become aware of.
Peace. Compassion. Humility.
It’s all there in Dr Covey’s famous book. I think of it as a spiritual text, rather than a corporate ‘how to’ success-manual.
Seek first to understand and then to be understood is habit number five. This one practice alone is enough to transform our internal worlds. As the inner world transforms so does the outer.
What each one of us, no matter how misguided our seeking may be, what we’re looking for is to be loved, known and understood. When we encounter someone with whos perspective we disagree, the conversation can often take the form of each trying to pick holes in the others way of seeing.
We try to catch each other out, expose the flaws in each other’s reasoning. It can be well intentioned. We may be trying to dissuade a loved one from a view that is causing themselves harm. If they could only see as we do, then this problem they’re bringing to us could be solved. It’s frustrating to communicate like this, feelings harden, positions entrench.
People don’t want things to be taken from them, we don’t want to be proven wrong. Even the beliefs that hurt us we cling to as if they were part of us. The Course In Miracles calls them ‘sharp edged toys.’
The practice is simple and like all simple practices deeply challenging and rewarding. There is no greater teacher than experience, and so what follows is a take, not the take, on how you might, should you wish, go about putting habit number five into practice.
It can be helpful to choose a context for your practice. Maybe you have a professional role where you’re responsible for others in your organisation. Close personal relationships and family ties are more challenging contexts and may be something to aim for in the future as your skill embeds.
It’s a demanding thing to momentarily put aside our own need to be understood. Best to chose one relationship in which to practice. You won’t be able to do this with everyone all the time. The point is rather to build up, making it a habit over time.
Chose one person.
With this one person, you are also most likely going to run out of time.
We’re all so busy rushing, but these practices are more like tending a garden. We have to wait for the seasons to change before the bare branch blossoms, before the young sapling puts forth fruit. Patience is developed through this practice.
With this one person, in this one context you decide to understand their position, no matter how flawed your perceive it to be, no matter how clearly you can see the quick and easy solution, no matter how much you need them to change, the commitment is to understand. Not to judge. To let go of the itch for a swift conclusion. You’re going to itch, this will be uncomfortable. It will not be a quick fix, but it will lead to lasting and transformative change.
Incredulity may be part of it. Watch it arise in you. Yes, this person really does think this way. Become curious. Move down the corridors of their mind with them. Let them show you around. Be kind. Curiosity and kindness nurture this garden you are tending. Tender. The sweetness of the fruit comes later. Now we work the frozen soil.
Did I mention you’ll run out of time?
The sun will rise tomorrow, and the day after and the day after that. As the sun returns so we return to the work.
Once this person senses your genuine intention to understand them, that you are not trying to swindle them out of their opinion, they will begin to soften. So will you. Opening the way to peace and understanding. Keep going until you have fully understood.
Summarise your understanding of their way of seeing. Ask if the picture is complete.
This is where the other will open to understanding you. Only here and not before.
Something transformative and beautiful. Together you will be able to discover a solution that was evading two people, separate bubbles becoming one.
Just this one practice.
Imagine how it can change our world.
As each one of us evolves, it touches all.
Each one a centre of spiritual power.
There are so many barriers between us.
Joining together we can make swift work of dismantling them.
Till tomorrow
Love
Mikey