That’s Not True

Dear friend,

The loudest sound this morning is the tinnitus in my head. It’s an internal noise like the television used to make in the days when all the stations would stop transmitting. Only quieter and more high pitched, muffled and distant. You’d think it would bother me but it doesn’t. Once I plunge back into the world it will disappear or at least I’ll lose awareness of it.

At the school, I work a fortnightly timetable. Yesterday was the last of the ‘week one’ Thursdays. I’ve not told any of the kids I’m leaving yet. The first class I’ll tell is my GCSE group, then it will be all over the school in a flash. I couldn’t bring myself to do it yesterday as they need to complete some writing and I didn’t want to throw a spanner in the works, but if I leave it too late they’ll not have time to adjust to it.

So it’ll be today.

The way we continuously communicate with one another has been jumping out at me recently. People need to communicate. Like birds singing, people vibrate the air and make worlds from those vibrations.

Whatever I tell the kids will only be partly true. My role in their lives is to support them as they navigate these formative years. If they ask I’ll let them know about the new business with my friend Jeremy, running retreats, and maybe something about writing and performing. They already know about my coaching and therapy practice. I’ll paint a picture that hopefully will inspire them in some way to reach for what they want, you know, dream big and be brave.

I’ll miss them as I say goodbye and then, when I’m no longer there, it will feel like I dreamt the place.

I’ll not tell them about the endemic harassment and intimidation and singling out of staff I’ve witnessed over the years, the way it has torn the fabric of the school apart so it’s now collapsing in on itself. That’s not a weight they ought to bear. I will speak of it to the staff body if I’m presented with a bunch of flowers and someone from the leadership team oozes out a few half true platitudes.

So many half truths.

I’m committed to speak truthfully about the challenges the school faces. It will be, I imagine, incredibly uncomfortable and awkward. My voice will shake and I’ll feel the hot fog of embarrassment as I violate the culture of silence and complicity that’s grown like a virus over the years since the present head teacher took up post.

My hope is that by speaking truthfully in public it will open up a way for others to have difficult public conversations that may lead to some positive change.

When it comes down to it, I just have to say something true.

So I’m sharing it here, because it puts me on the hook not to back down, smile and say something bland.

Values are to be lived.

To live in the vibrations of truth.

How about that?

I’ll imagine how it would be if my Mam had to speak about injustice. How she’d say it. She’d be understated and she’d be kind and she’d share her way of seeing it. I guess that’s my best shot.

Like I tell the kids, we have to face life’s challenges and summon up our courage. That’s how you learn to trust in your self. It’s not pleasant to live in an atmosphere of distrust.

Especially if the person we distrust is the one closest to us.

Our self.

Not the false self, but who we are at the deepest level of our being.

Our true self.

I guess leaving this job is more about truth than I realised.

Till tomorrow

Love

Mikey